


Dating for Dummies

by convolutedConcussion



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, Holtzy Is Bad At Humans, Me Too Baby Me Too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-08-07 21:37:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7730629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/convolutedConcussion/pseuds/convolutedConcussion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>To say this has been the worst date of Patty’s life is one <i>hell</i> of an understatement.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dating for Dummies

To say this has been the _worst_ date of Patty’s life is one _hell_ of an understatement.

It had started with the words “Where are the others?” which should have sent alarm bells ringing—did Holtz not _know_ this was supposed to be a date or was she being funny?  Sometimes the lines blurred with her.  Then the table got lit on fire—the kicker being that there were no _candles_ , and Patty couldn’t even begin to explain how it had happened.  Then, somehow, the dessert cart got toppled.  Then, right when things were starting to get all easy, starting to feel like it should, the groupies showed up.  Now, don’t get her wrong, Patty _loves_ their fans, but Holtzy, being a very particular kind of person, attracts a very particular type of fan.  (She’s always torn between amusement and protectiveness when excitable young women start having fits over the engineer—she’s pure charm and flirtation for _maybe_ five minutes before her eyes start to go wide and desperate.)

The movie should have been the easiest damn thing in the world.

Until the angry old granny showed up spraying ectoplasm everywhere and shrieking.  As everyone bolted, screaming, Holtzmann tossed what looked a lot like a small bear trap and yelled, “Enjoy Huron, bitch!”

Then it’s over.

“So, you just carry those things wherever you go?” Patty demands, taking a moment to mourn the loss of her second-favorite dress.

“Uh-huh,” Holtz answers distractedly, and she hisses when she touches the trap with her bare fingers.  Next thing, she’s got gloves on—where had she even hidden those?—and picks up the ominously smoking metal jaws.  “Do you think repeated exposure to ghosts increases the likelihood of encountering more?” she asks almost to herself before gasping with a sort of alarming excitement, “Ghost radiation!”

“That’s really cool, but this slime is starting to dry,” she prompts.

She watches her absently tug fingers through her gooey mop of hair before bobbing her head.  “Right,” she drags out, pulling a bulgey-eyed face Patty doesn’t know what to do with.  “Well, follow me, you can use my shower,” she teases in a ridiculous game show host voice.

It’s really gotta say something about this city that no one bats an eye at them, though they are given a pretty wide breadth on the train.  Holtzmann seems to remember at the last minute that they’re going somewhere, grabbing her by the wrist and tugging her off just as the door starts to close.

If pressed, Patty wouldn’t be able to explain what _exactly_ she’d expected from Holtzy’s apartment.  A mess, probably.  Scorched walls, floor-to-ceiling bits of metal she’d pulled out of dumpsters, mysteriously hissing piles, general chaos.  And, at least that last part is right—it _is_ chaos, but it doesn’t seem like there’s any apparent danger.  She can’t quite place her finger on _how_ , but there seems to be a sort of rhyme or reason to the madness.  There’s a warbling yowl from the dark kitchen as soon as the door swings shut, an ugly, broken sort of noise, but Holtzy just calls, “I know, Rebecca,” stripping and dropping clothes haphazardly on the floor as she flips on the switch until she’s down to her underwear.

Fascinated, Patty follows, only a little distracted by the way bared muscles flex in front of her.  In the sink sits a big, grey, squashed-faced cat that lets out another just-short-of-horrifying meow.  As she bangs through cabinets (and Patty’s _scandalized_ to see them mostly empty), Holtzmann mumbles soothingly to the cat.  She crows victoriously as she lifts a can of cat food into the air.

“Why is the cat in the sink?” Patty asks.

“He likes it, I dunno,” she shrugs.  “I came home six months ago and he was in the sink.”  Then, her eyes widen.  “Oh, shower, sorry.  Um, closed door—don’t use the green towel, it’s—just don’t.  Hot water sticks, just…” she mimes twisting, hard.

The bathroom is host to the _ugliest_ green fixtures she’s ever seen.  She doesn’t dwell on that too long, though, because the slime is starting to harden and that shit _itches_.  She’d half-expected to find anything but actual, store-bought body wash, but there it is.  She’s never been so happy to be surprised by something in a shower.  The hot water does one hell of a lot more than stick, but she makes do.  When she finally feels clean again—no small chore—there’s a big, fuzzy bathrobe draped over the sink that wasn’t there when she’d hopped in.

She’s somewhere between touched and creeped out.

_Touched_ wins out when she realizes the towel is _really_ small.  As she goes back into the living room, a creaky high-backed office chair turns slowly, revealing Holtzmann with Rebecca on her lap, classic villain pose, the effect dampened by the fact that she’s wearing loud yellow boxers and a loose tank.  Patty realizes then that she’s never seen her with her hair down, water loosening her curls into a gentle wave; she must’ve used the sink.  She wonders if Holtzy picks up on that line of thinking because she starts twirling her fingers through it, eyes shuttering.

“Well, I’m gonna say it, this was a _terrible_ date,” Patty sighs, settling onto the couch.

It’s hard to explain what _exactly_ happens to her face in that moment, eyes going wide and mouth gaping open and closed quickly.  “ _Oh_ ,” she frowns, tugging a strand of hair.  “’It’s a date—‘ like, literally.”  It sends a dread that’s scarier than she really wants to admit to Patty’s gut, but luckily she doesn’t have a ton of time to dwell on that before Holtzy’s almost on top of her, hand surprisingly heavy on her knee.  The kiss is quick, just the smallest brush, and it’s _embarrassing_ how affected she is by it.  Pulling back, she mutters sheepishly, “I didn’t realize it was a real thing.”

There’s a thousand things that wanna trip off her tongue, but after a moment she settles for sliding her palm over the back of her neck and dragging her closer.  “I’m gonna kiss you again, that clear things up?” she half-teases.  She starts to close the distance and their lips crash in the middle, she feels fingers on her cheek, a gentle counterpoint to the hard kiss.

“You know,” Holtzy purrs, a note short of serious, “I would _totally_ put out on the first date.”

Groaning, Patty pushes her away.  “Can’t just let it be, can you?”

She sobers quickly, “It’s just—I’m not great at people—“

“Noticed.”

“I can’t… I can’t always tell when they’re for real,” she mumbles.

“For real, I wanna date you,” Patty replies, quiet but forceful.

Scrunching her nose a little, she throws her arms around Patty’s neck and it throws her off with how much it makes her heart swell.  After a beat of silence, she hums against her ear, “So, you cool with doing the walk of shame in my bathrobe?”

**Author's Note:**

> This fic displays but doesn't really explain some of my Very Serious Headcanons so:
> 
> Yes, Rebecca is a boy cat. He just looks like a Rebecca to Holtzy. The vet about had a conniption over it. Holtzy doesn't think he minds too much.  
> I really, really believe that Holtzmann is really flirty and charming but doesn't really believe it when someone seems to return any feelings and possible struggles with not being able to really read social cues super well.  
> Holtz can deal with approx 4 fans before she starts to get overwhelmed and needs the crowd to disperse.
> 
> This was really just a reason for me to daydream about A) Jillian Holtzmann unselfconsciously stripping out of goo-covered clothes and B) Jillian Holtzmann in her jimjams with her hair down and wet. I am gay trash, sue me. (Please don't sue me, I have no money.)
> 
> PS I have a [Tumblr ](http://johnisntevendead.tumblr.com) where I'm always super happy to talk about my fandoms and headcanons and I take prompts so you should check it out! :o

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[Podfic of] Dating for Dummies](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7825075) by [klb](https://archiveofourown.org/users/klb/pseuds/klb)




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